When it comes to emotion I’m like a computer with an over active firewall. a warning pop up appears and and a brick wall is erect! so thinking about what has just happened to me, that was a big deal wasn’t it? It’s easy to block it all away but soon enough I’ve had to think about what this means for me. I could potentially have another side to my family.

Nothing will happen quickly and I will always be me, so I will be in London and every time I come ‘home’ it will be to see my dad and step mum, and at the same time I might make a trip to see my mum too. I wonder if anything will come of it though, because i feel nothing. Since coming back from travelling I had a sense of family inclusion at home, it took a long time to get that so it probably will never happen at my mum’s house. It doesn’t have to happen though, because i am quite happy just inching forward for now, testing the water so to speak.

I have no idea what I will talk about next week, it’s like having dinner with people you don’t know with an awkward air surrounding everyone. I only know my parents as dad and lisa, and they are the 2 whom I respect and ultimately behave slightly different around them, I can’t explain the feelings I had when sat with my mum and Ian, It’s not a lack of respect, as always im polite and courteous but its more a case of unfamiliarity. as you become more comfortable in new situations you start to test boundaries, something i did as a child with my parents so now i know where i stand and the things I can do and say around them. My mum and Ian have totally different boundaries and I have no fear around them, respect is the wrong word but if i upset them or do something they wouldn’t be proud of i feel no consequences, on the other hand I would never dare shame my family – that is my Dad and Step mum.

I am still deciphering my own head which had been sent into over drive but eventually it will become clear, I am still to tell my own parents who return from Turkey this weekend, they will be fine with it but I want them to know what is going on in my life. The 2 families will never overlap and i think it’s important it remains that way so it’s hard for me to flirt between the 2 right now especially as I don’t know the etiquette in these situations, for that fact i don’t think anyone does. If I stick to my morals, treat everyone with respect and do what I think is right I can’t go to far wrong, infact I have confidence that everyone around me will have confidence in my maturity to handle this situation properly.

Times could be changing, but i will always be me.