no big deal right? well I havnt seen my mother in 12 years.

I knew this day was coming and often I would think what would i say? the only reason I put off making contact was that I wanted to make things right in my own head first. I wanted to be through university, and settled in my own life before I pursued my past. Recently I have thought more and more about making contact and today it was forced upon me.

about 12 years ago we parted ways in the most emotional way. My parents were going through a divorce and I was about 11 years old when my sister and I made the decision to move in with my dad and his wife, my step mum. It is difficult to comprehend right now so that i why i write it down. I barely remember anything anymore, ive grown well and truly out of it and if anyone ever asks about my mum i say it’s no big deal and its all in the past. on top of that emotionally with someone i don’t know i am a brick wall, nothing in and nothing out.

I was walking towards Ashton and my timing was spot on, she was walking the other way. I walked 3 paces past and removed the earphones from around my head. I composed myself and turned around, she had already spoken my name, but i knew who she was. I often asked my self would I even recognise her, but for some reason I just knew it was her. politely i asked how are you, and mentioned it had been a long time. she was clearly nervous but grabbed me and she hugged me. I wasn’t comfortable right then. she invited me for a cup of tea, she asked me too soon and i was put off but i accepted because it was going to happen some day.

I didn’t know this woman, so it was strange. my emotions had passed and she was no longer a part of my family circle. she on the other hand had a lot of pent up emotion that she had to release. I wasn’t sure what to make of her sincerity. was this real? I didn’t know what to think, but if I was going to effect change and find out how my life could have been shaped I had to listen to what she had to say.

she had been waiting for that moment for 12 years, finally it was time for her to air her side of the story. there always will be anger between an ex wife and husband and she hadn’t changed in that respect so I had to listen to her vet her distastes at my dad, that was only fair i felt but i told her out right that she should know, my dad is my hero. If I could be half the man he is now i will be more than happy, and that is what i said. she also asked if i considered my step mum to be my mum when i mentioned parents, I looked he in the eye and said yes.

as far as I am concerned my dad and lisa are the 2 people that have shaped me into the person i am now so i wasn’t going to sit and listen to her vent her anger about them. the fact is i am now an adult and she questioned how i can sit emotionless and talk about this. emotion was blocked and noone was in or out, it was weird really. I am not angry anymore, its totally in the past and now i am curious who this woman is, this woman and her husband.

she was emotional, she told me how much she had missed me and honestly i believed her. we tried to reason my actions as a child, there was apparent hate in my eyes towards her, but i can’t remember how or why. I do know she had hurt me, repeatedly my reasons ultimately for moving in with my dad, i will never forget nearly kicking my dads kitchen to pieces that day we moved, i was hurt. i did question her reasons and questioned her maturity, why being the adult did she not try to fix things thing responsible it only proves to me more that emotion as ever has a massive part over our decisions, we all do some crazy things under stress and at the time the four adults in my life were under incredible stress. I can’t begin to justify some of the things any one of them did and i will never revisit that period in my life i would never wish it upon any child or adult ever.

11 years ago is history and i have given her a chance to air her views but now i want to put it in the past. next week I will see her again, i don’t want to discuss the past and what could have been, i just don’t want to! My grand mother will be emotional i know that, we will take it one step at a time and slowly find out a little about each other. we can’t jump 2 feet into the deep end but who knows what can happen.

for over a decade I’ve wondered about my mum and her side of the family, now i have a chance to find out. I wont compromise my own sanity though and i dont want to dredge up the past, i do like the idea of exploring the past though. i will give it a chance and see where it goes, im slightly nervous. if i ever wondered what i would say now i know, and now i know whether i would recognise her. I hope it can all be amicable, i hope it doesnt become awkward, i hope we can all move on together!