You are currently browsing the monthly archive for October, 2008.
i wrote something that if you read youll understand how bad a certain something got to me today, as it happens it helped to clear my head and now ive stored that post privately its something you really don’t need to know – but something i need to remember every detail… sometimes it seams i can be vulnerable and today i learned something else about myself.
This last 2 weeks has flown by and things in my life are unravelling at an alarming rate, I am being thrown challenges left right and centre. Just over 6 weeks ago I set myself the target of finding work and a place to live, neither of which i enjoy whatsoever, both of which I have managed to complete without massive amounts of stress.
Things begin to play on your mind though, when travelling it was great because i could just plan the next day and that was it, i really miss those days but i was never going to last forever. My head is spinning with thought, I am trying to plan every visit in my head, every move the steps ahead, from London to Wigan to Manchester and Loughborough. and in between I must find time to visit school and become inducted, i must find time to move into my new house, and I must do all the things in between.
The banks are a nightmare and the current economical crisis can’t be helping my cause. for the first time in my life I have had to go to my parents for a loan. I don’t feel ashamed, just slightly dependent. taking away my independence is like taking away my legs, I will always pay it back asap but in the mean time, thank you Dad! As far as the banks are concerned I couldn’t be much more out of luck, 3 credit cards, 1 expired card, 1 blocked since it was defrauded and another at its limit. 3 debit cards, 1 got stuck in a machine another i have no pin and while I wait there is money transferring into my 3rd but for now it is in the dead space in between accounts where noone can access it! on top of that noone will give me an overdraft or a loan. Im not sure if i missed anything, but there you go – I am way out of luck. on the upshot starting work this week means I will get paid for half term 
My house is ideal for one reason only, it’s a 6 minute walk to work, and as I will be making that journey often that was important to me. It is however with a family, south african and there are 2 small children (and another tenant in another room). The floor space is not enormous and my room is of average size but for £100 pw in london this is what you get, mind, all bills are included with a TV and SKY coming into my room! I feel like I’m in the middle of no where as there don’t appear to be any shops around, that said Ealing is 9 minutes by bus so I can’t be that cut off, even if I do need to catch a bus to the local supermarket!
School or work, is still unknown territory for me, correspondence has been with a series of HR employees and a Senior teacher and each one of them appear nice, I do have faith in this school as I get a good vibe when ever contact is made. In the coming weeks I will put together a portfolio of work that will demonstrate my previous employments and this may lead to me getting a pay increase in my first year, so for that – fingers crossed. apart from that I have already considered my christmas holidays, Edinburgh for NY eve and I think a week away before xmas would also be nice too, perhaps NYC? I will wait for pay day then decide!
It hasn’t been hard but the stress is still there, finding a job and a house is a nightmare at any point and it certainly is a comedown from the beaches of the world. If you throw in the recent family revelations then it has the potential to send your head in a spin, and truth be told I havnt slept much recently, all through thought! I dont worry too much about most things, except I try to run them through my head – no wait, is that what worrying is? I’m not sure really, I just over think sometimes and prepare myself what is about to come, it’s quite annoying but then that is why i write these posts!
at the moment I am in some sort of limbo, until payday I cant afford to do many things, I have promised a few friends that I will see them, but that means transport around the country, money i just don’t have, I will make it happen though and if you are one of those friends that I have yet to see, then I will come and see you I promise, and as soon as I get comfortable with my new south african family you can always come stay with me!
Given I have talked about my work, my home, my finances, my family and my friends there is only really one part of my life i havnt talked about. that’s not to say there is nothing going on in this area, but if yo havnt guessed what im talking about, you may never know. Actually this too has put my head in a spin too. I have lightened up in recent years when it comes to girls (oops i told you what i was talking about), ive lightened up in a sense that what will happen will happen and I don’t try force anything, but when a girl creeps into your mind that you actually like then you can’t help but think hmm?! Just see how it goes i suppose, if anything at all!
So life as thrown a series of obstacles in my path, and all of them are there to overcome and the fact on the flip side of each and every obstacle there is something amazing waiting to happen means life is much more exciting. taking one hop at a time let’s see how things unfold, I anticipate many posts in the coming weeks!
When it comes to emotion I’m like a computer with an over active firewall. a warning pop up appears and and a brick wall is erect! so thinking about what has just happened to me, that was a big deal wasn’t it? It’s easy to block it all away but soon enough I’ve had to think about what this means for me. I could potentially have another side to my family.
Nothing will happen quickly and I will always be me, so I will be in London and every time I come ‘home’ it will be to see my dad and step mum, and at the same time I might make a trip to see my mum too. I wonder if anything will come of it though, because i feel nothing. Since coming back from travelling I had a sense of family inclusion at home, it took a long time to get that so it probably will never happen at my mum’s house. It doesn’t have to happen though, because i am quite happy just inching forward for now, testing the water so to speak.
I have no idea what I will talk about next week, it’s like having dinner with people you don’t know with an awkward air surrounding everyone. I only know my parents as dad and lisa, and they are the 2 whom I respect and ultimately behave slightly different around them, I can’t explain the feelings I had when sat with my mum and Ian, It’s not a lack of respect, as always im polite and courteous but its more a case of unfamiliarity. as you become more comfortable in new situations you start to test boundaries, something i did as a child with my parents so now i know where i stand and the things I can do and say around them. My mum and Ian have totally different boundaries and I have no fear around them, respect is the wrong word but if i upset them or do something they wouldn’t be proud of i feel no consequences, on the other hand I would never dare shame my family – that is my Dad and Step mum.
I am still deciphering my own head which had been sent into over drive but eventually it will become clear, I am still to tell my own parents who return from Turkey this weekend, they will be fine with it but I want them to know what is going on in my life. The 2 families will never overlap and i think it’s important it remains that way so it’s hard for me to flirt between the 2 right now especially as I don’t know the etiquette in these situations, for that fact i don’t think anyone does. If I stick to my morals, treat everyone with respect and do what I think is right I can’t go to far wrong, infact I have confidence that everyone around me will have confidence in my maturity to handle this situation properly.
Times could be changing, but i will always be me.
no big deal right? well I havnt seen my mother in 12 years.
I knew this day was coming and often I would think what would i say? the only reason I put off making contact was that I wanted to make things right in my own head first. I wanted to be through university, and settled in my own life before I pursued my past. Recently I have thought more and more about making contact and today it was forced upon me.
about 12 years ago we parted ways in the most emotional way. My parents were going through a divorce and I was about 11 years old when my sister and I made the decision to move in with my dad and his wife, my step mum. It is difficult to comprehend right now so that i why i write it down. I barely remember anything anymore, ive grown well and truly out of it and if anyone ever asks about my mum i say it’s no big deal and its all in the past. on top of that emotionally with someone i don’t know i am a brick wall, nothing in and nothing out.
I was walking towards Ashton and my timing was spot on, she was walking the other way. I walked 3 paces past and removed the earphones from around my head. I composed myself and turned around, she had already spoken my name, but i knew who she was. I often asked my self would I even recognise her, but for some reason I just knew it was her. politely i asked how are you, and mentioned it had been a long time. she was clearly nervous but grabbed me and she hugged me. I wasn’t comfortable right then. she invited me for a cup of tea, she asked me too soon and i was put off but i accepted because it was going to happen some day.
I didn’t know this woman, so it was strange. my emotions had passed and she was no longer a part of my family circle. she on the other hand had a lot of pent up emotion that she had to release. I wasn’t sure what to make of her sincerity. was this real? I didn’t know what to think, but if I was going to effect change and find out how my life could have been shaped I had to listen to what she had to say.
she had been waiting for that moment for 12 years, finally it was time for her to air her side of the story. there always will be anger between an ex wife and husband and she hadn’t changed in that respect so I had to listen to her vet her distastes at my dad, that was only fair i felt but i told her out right that she should know, my dad is my hero. If I could be half the man he is now i will be more than happy, and that is what i said. she also asked if i considered my step mum to be my mum when i mentioned parents, I looked he in the eye and said yes.
as far as I am concerned my dad and lisa are the 2 people that have shaped me into the person i am now so i wasn’t going to sit and listen to her vent her anger about them. the fact is i am now an adult and she questioned how i can sit emotionless and talk about this. emotion was blocked and noone was in or out, it was weird really. I am not angry anymore, its totally in the past and now i am curious who this woman is, this woman and her husband.
she was emotional, she told me how much she had missed me and honestly i believed her. we tried to reason my actions as a child, there was apparent hate in my eyes towards her, but i can’t remember how or why. I do know she had hurt me, repeatedly my reasons ultimately for moving in with my dad, i will never forget nearly kicking my dads kitchen to pieces that day we moved, i was hurt. i did question her reasons and questioned her maturity, why being the adult did she not try to fix things thing responsible it only proves to me more that emotion as ever has a massive part over our decisions, we all do some crazy things under stress and at the time the four adults in my life were under incredible stress. I can’t begin to justify some of the things any one of them did and i will never revisit that period in my life i would never wish it upon any child or adult ever.
11 years ago is history and i have given her a chance to air her views but now i want to put it in the past. next week I will see her again, i don’t want to discuss the past and what could have been, i just don’t want to! My grand mother will be emotional i know that, we will take it one step at a time and slowly find out a little about each other. we can’t jump 2 feet into the deep end but who knows what can happen.
for over a decade I’ve wondered about my mum and her side of the family, now i have a chance to find out. I wont compromise my own sanity though and i dont want to dredge up the past, i do like the idea of exploring the past though. i will give it a chance and see where it goes, im slightly nervous. if i ever wondered what i would say now i know, and now i know whether i would recognise her. I hope it can all be amicable, i hope it doesnt become awkward, i hope we can all move on together!
I have always considered myself a qualified teacher but it has yet to feel real. Now it’s real. I have just been offered a job at Drayton Manor High School in London, a job I am happy to accept. This was my first London based interview and whilst nervous I was happy with my performance, I thought there was only one position available for 1 of the 5 interviewees but on introduction there was apparently 2. The catch to the day was that there were 2 long term supply teachers, who had experience in the school, also applying for the available positions. I thought to myself would the school take a chance employing someone else when they were clearly happy with the current teachers? Apparently instead of rejecting one of them they opened up another position, just for me! Eventually 3 out of the 5 were hired and fortunately I had done enough to make sure I was one of them.
Perhaps one of the reasons i got the job was this very blog. one of my questions was to describe a time when I have changed my opinion on something and how that might be brought into a classroom. I was given time to respond but i knew i needed none, this blog was perfect, just look at my reflections over time. this blog has given me time to evaluate and discuss my own thoughts, I have been writing about them for some time now and easy to see a pattern emerging, I am much more accepting nowadays than I have ever been, considerate of other peoples opinions and input. Surely I can take that into a classroom? well that was the answer I gave and apparently it may have been enough.
I am impressed by the school, it seems there is a community feel amongst the teachers and the students are not overly challenging and confrontational. I am excited with the challenges ahead, my first term as a full time teacher should be the most interesting. I have until half term before i start full time but in the two weeks build up to that i must first move myself to london. that’s another job for gumtree and it’s the worst thig ever, i hate house hunting but unfortunately it must be done. I will be looking in the area of greenford, while not exactly the most connected part of town its right near work and has reasonable connections to the rest of london. The part of my life is upon me!
I said when i returned from travelling that i just wish to earn and travel again, unfortunately that won’t be anytime soon, the potential earnings from supply teaching is just not enough to clear debt and save enough for next time. for now i put my heart and effort in to the new job, as for travelling, scotland at xmas, then half term in europe, easter? not sure yet but summer will be the trans siberian train! The next 6 months will be exciting times and who knows what my next post will be about! It could be anyone of my newfound hobbies, from a garage band masterpiece or a photoshop photo. first things first I still owe a follow up movie for my indonesian times!
Here it is, I finally completed it, i took a week to complete my thoughts on Indonesia. 14000 words later I publish it online. spelling and grammar have been the major challenges because since i returned my intellect has died away. for those that have no desire to read this, that’s fine but if you are interested you can wait until the movie is released. This is a very personal thing something I can revisit at any point in time but at the same time any comments are welcomed!
Indonesia 2008 Part 1.pdf 49.2 Mb
Indonesia 2008 Part 2.pdf 45.2 Mb
Indonesia 2008 Part 3.pdf 44.5 Mb
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