It’s been a while.

41 days, 41 days since i last wrote and what feels like 41 days of insanity. I began writing to straighten things out in my own world, make sense of the twist and turns that every day life throws at you. confused, that is me. why can’ things be simple, i have had about 10 hours sleep in the last 4 days, healthy? i think not. it’s th pressure building up inside, i have 2 observations tomrrow, teachers deciding whether i am good enough to continue, after almost 9 months of graft it could all hinge on the last 2 weeks of term. I just want to be free.

free from everything, free from complications. free from others off loading their emotional difficulties on to me, i can barely deal with my own. but why do i put others first? oh how kind you might say, how caring…but at what cost? my head is fried. i have spoke to one person about 6 times on the last 6 months, each time it isa their emotional difficulties that are being sent my way, and when all i wanted was support i was left alone.

Am I selfish?

where do i fit into my equation? in a series of unknowns i appear to have the least effect on the outcome, right or wrong? how do you balance this? how can you possibly keep everyone happy, including yourself? emotions who needs them?!

The light is just 2 weeks away.

Have you ever wanted something so much but you know you can’t have it? knowing that the effect is 100 times worse than any drug? but without it you feel empty, like something is missing? thats how i feel right now, empty, with just one goal- wish my life away so september comes fast.

september is the only joy in my life and it causes me so much pain.