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Ok so this is a little rant really, something im not used to doing on here but im totally pissed off. somedays in school seam so pointless especially when you have someone breathing down you neck becauset hey like making you shiver. I mean seriously, its the last day of term, a lesson in lunch time one where the students usually play games and now im expected to come up with some lesson last minute as part of an official observation! the teacher is useless. she expects me to dive in head first and get it right, she gives the most wordy advice you have ever heard that never actually answers the question…do it how ever you like as long as its not the way you want to do it is the impression i get from her. arggghh like a stearing wheel down my pants (driving me nuts). incredible from some people. well it will be the worst lesson i have ever taught i can feel it-push something to much and it will roll away from you.
at the moment nothing is clear, i dont know why i have so much to do there is no order for it to fit into. If it wasnt for the easter holidays i would be losing control right now. I really need a break. It’s non forthcoming though-the easter is a time for essay writing and research. oh fun.
It’s blank, or so it seams. My mind is empty. This week is a slow one, university tasks and no fluency in school soon to be easter too, nothing makes sense nothing flows feel like nothing is stopping pauses in my life are like punctuation in this sentence they just arnt appearing. Things happen so fast, the worrying thing is what happens when you blink? flying along at supersonic speeds means you could end up somewhere totally wrong somewhere you never expected. Maybe in a ditch, maybe in a palace. do i want to be in a palace? i like the simplicity of a ditch. i like the extravagence of a palace. where is half-way between a palace and a ditch, or the gutter and the stars as some might say. some might say? where is my oasis in all of this.
My mind is blank. quite clearly that is a lie. why would i lie to you though? what reason must i keep what happens behnd my eyes to myself? dignity? pride? a sense of secrecy, a place noone can ever go other than me. I like the quite of my mind sometimes, the problem is when is becomes too noisy to bear. that is when you hear the noise. right now it is peaceful. why? maybe i have found my oasis. maybe i have found my place between a ditch and a palace. somewhere i belong, and somewhere i feel at home.
What happens if i blink? will it go rushing by like it never happened. maybe if i dig my heals into the ground and slow things right down then i may sleep and wake up and it will still all be where i left it-with me right in the centre. 2 weeks to recover and aprreciate now. I can’t wait.
Life happens too fast for you ever to think about it. If you could just persuade people of this, but they insist on amassing information. ~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
It’s been a while, my website crashed and with it a build up of emotion was dammed behind calm green eyes. School has been so hard, work has been even more dreadful, the ognorance of customers second onlu by that of many colleagues, I do infact find it easier and more pleasant having abused thrown at me from a 15 year old child than from a supposedly matured adult. I feel that way only because I know it is my job to help the child and the adult, well, I feel for him but unfortunately he does not want to be helped.
The effect of putting into words the images inside your mind have on your personal well being is a strange one. Who would have thought that writing down and unscrammbling the messages of the brain would set me free?
Just lately the workload has become unbearable, 7 days a week constantly shifting from point to point is not healthy, as a result I have 6 weeks unpaid leave from ASDA, smile for now at least 
The clocks went back yesterday, how much better do you feel already? late into the night last night the weather was pleasant and waking up in the morning to the sun on your face is amazing. Do you know what makes this feeling better? Flip flops. Yes flip flops, if there was ever a symbol for relaxation I think flip flops should be it, symbolising waking up and going straight to lectures in flip flops, going to an exam in shorts, and flip flops-the shop in flip flops. So easily done with no fuss, just chilled.
The easter holidays come soon, i have been waiting a long time for now. just 3 school days this week and just six school weeks until the end, albeit about 7000 words to go but just 6 weeks is nothing. I really can’t wait for the summer, laying around in the park – in flip flops.
So indeed i followed my heart, i have been torn apart recently and never thought i would meet anyone quite so amazing especially with the onset of travelling. but how can you say no? can you push someone away if you like them so much? I know she will be reading this, (one of my loyal readers) and i’m not at all embarrassed to admit how quickly i have fallen for her. Cautious i will be, and this has no bearing on anyone else-just a learned trait that has developed over the past 12 months.
It’s amazing though how one little change can make you smile again, how one moment can make a change and how one smile can make a moment. Realise I backwards have put that, but sometimes, do things not seam a little unpredictable?
Sometimes you don’t know what to do, common sense has a point of view, reality another and a whole world inside your head is tossed and turned like a magic 8 ball to give a seamingly simple solution.
Times like these you should just follow your heart.
It’s strange the way your feelings can often be pulled apart by so many unknown forces. 12 months ago the only i wanted was to get out of this country. Even more so over christmas just gone, with the spiral i was in, I was angry at everything counting the days until I left the acadamy, counting the months until I left the country. A massive part of that was unwelcoming atmosphere inside the academy, and the toil of overwhelming emotions that was on offer through a break up. That said it was all worth it. Without that release I would not be where I am now, I would still be unhappy and feeling guilty for wanting to be happy. Every pain was worth it because now…
…now I don’t want to leave.
I could quite happily apply for a job at JKGTC. There are some fantastic people there who really do make you feel welcome. The students and the job has so many oppurtunities to explore and develop your own skills. On top of that I am still enjoying the atmosphere in London, there is someone new around each corner and someone old around the next. So the question remains am I really ready to leave all of this behind? Reluctantly yes, because I know deep down that this is something I really want to do, something I have already worked for incredibly hard, for over 6 months, with another 6 months to go. It’s still hard to not become attached though, perhaps it’s thoughs attachments that will make the trip home that so much sweeter.
Wow, what can I say? Over 12 months ago sitting my exams, dreaming of travelling the world…but stuck in a library. Now I leave in 6 months, just six months ago I was wishing my time away now I’d like to live a little, I’ve had a tough week but there have been some nice moments, hopefully I’ve got anopther 8 of these nice but tough weeks to come. Then I can really start to smile. 2 weeks til easter, 6 weeks after easter i finish school then I hand in my assignments, then im free, June until Sept to enjoy myself. I really can’t wait, but I will take my time and enjoy what is now!
Today was an ordinary day but what really happened, what went on that wasn’t so ordinary? First the sun made me smile again, so I sat outside and worked. Someone demonstrated to me how people will judge, so I asked him not to. I was certainly impressed with his ability to address this issue from the side instead of front on. He wasn’t wrong to judge, but his reason was wrong. There was no right answer. The way you would do something is not the correct way, infact I am yet to do something the right way, because there isn’t one. What may appear to be a load of cryptic anonymous mumbo jumbo means something to me, and if you read it carefully it will mean something to you.
Have you ever noticed how kind some people are? They make other’s smile unconditionally. Thank you for the egg today. It shows a side to you hard to describe. When people do this it makes me feel I should be kind. It doesn’t mean I’m unkind, but I’d like to have the natural effort inside me. Perhaps it will come?
What else happened today? I rediscovered john mayer in the sunshine oh and I witnessed two guys putting up a shop sign back to front, which is the making of a funny photo whether they had reason to their madness or not. That made me smile.
“Challenge myself” I was told today, so I went to the gym and rowed 10 000m in under 45mins but lets be honest that is any easy challenge. Now starting tomorrow I will do something that comes out naturally to others, but not me. Just make someone smile through a compliment. sounds easy right? How many compliments are complimentary though, understand what I mean? how many people don’t look at you clothes before saying nice top? ok extreme example but i think you understand-tomorrow will not be about me.
Three things helping me along recently:
The last Kiss, emotional movie with an awesome sound track
John Mayer – Heavier Things (album)
“If you do not quit, you cannot fail”
Ok so a little random but think about it, you come out clean, yes, but how relaxed do you feel? you lie there and process all the thoughts for the day, and think about tomorrow, effectively cleansing the mind of all worry and negativity. It’s nice. I have never thougth of it that way until now, in future maybe I will go for a bath even if I’m not dirty.
So yesterday I set myself a target, and I kinda achieved, which is good. Did you do something for someone else today? If everyone in the world did something for someone else just once a day I think our lives would be so much easier. At the very least try to make someone smile.
“No goals shall I set for tomorrow, for the unkown is excitement enough”
My name is Jason.
I’m male.
21 years old.
White British.
6′0? Tall.
Brown Hair.
Green Eyes.
but that wasnt the question. who am I? how are you to know? should I tell you. You may have made assumptions, but why? Have you even seen my green eyes. have you looked down at me from 6′3?, or up at me from 5′”2? Still I pose the question do you really know who I am?
I don’t know you, I may know your name, your age or even a bit about your past, but i still don’t know you. How can you know someone really, or how do you know when yo do know them? I love how people make assumptions, it entertains me in a way reality tv entertains you. Is someone a bad person if they do not smile? is someone sensitive if they take offence to this? who is right? why should you smile? are you not allowed to have a bad day? does it make you a bad person if you do not realise others’ sensitivity? I think we are all entitled to be individuals, and accepted for our different, albeit occasionally inert and unrealised views.
So I ask you again who am I? I should hope that you reserve judgement, and if you do not it’s ok-i won’t comment on your attitude, merely hope you accept my inert unrealised point of view. It takes weeks to know someone and many years to understand them, even then you may not truly see what’s behind their eyes. But you may try.
The eyes indicate the antiquity of the soul
I expect you to not know who I am and look into my eyes, then I may let you in. You should not restrict yourself to me, look at others with the open mind you expect to be seen with.
How nice is this weather lately?! Ok so perhaps it may seam like a totally random post, but why not? I really like the sunshine. Some people like the those frosty mornings, or autumn evenings, I love the summer. I just like the warmth of the sun, and feeling so relaxed lying around without a care in the world is a great sensation. I can’t wait until i can do this in Africa, or Fiji, or Australia, in fact i will be happy to do this on the Heath in summer. Some of the best days of my life have been in the sunshine.
Roll on summer.
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